Acknowledging the past, not ignoring it. 

It’s the start of week 9 here and it’s been a lot of radio silence. I apologize for that. Some could be the result of residual indifference I feel on this assignment. 

Odd to be feeling that way because in many instances it’s really not been bad. Great providers! Shoot, many doctors expect to be called by their first names and seem to listen and respect both the nurse’s opinion and the patient’s desire for a vaginal delivery. They tend to hold out on surgical intervention until it’s absolutely necessary, which I appreciation. I’ve not encountered too many high risk instances here that feel outside of my particular level of expertise. Even faced with such a nice set up, I still battle some of the worst anxiety I’ve felt in a long time, don’t really feel that usual connection I get at work, nor feel any desire to remain there that I usually consider at this point in my assignment (when things haven’t been bad). 

I can’t put my finger on it, but I know with 5 more weeks remaining, I’ll be moving on to somewhere else soon enough. 

Ambivalence aside, I wanted to discuss something that I encounter a lot as a labor nurse. And no, it’s not the self-important anesthesiologist who seems to expect the nurse to wait on him hand and foot. That’s another post… 

I’ll get a patient for admission, someone at the end of their pregnancy and in a committed relationship with their husband/significant other. I’ll start to browse through their history and read something that goes a little like this… 

Patient has (an STI/history of drug use/something serious in their past), HUSBAND DOES NOT KNOW. 

Uh oh. 

This puts me in a spot where I have to attempt to get a clear history, including medications they are on and sexual history that may affect the baby, but I have to figure out how to do it with them in pain as their significant other supports them. 

I understand what it means to have a past you don’t want to discuss and how it would be hard to bring it up, but I question the level of trust you have with someone you’re married to if you didn’t feel safe enough to reveal a big part of your history that directly impacts them. 

The basis of a marriage is trust and adding a child to that is asking for more trust between the two of you. Opting to withhold things that could damage established trust when it came out later could be detrimental. Is it a matter of acknowledging you’ve picked the wrong partner or exploring why you don’t trust them enough to reveal yourself? 

Plus you’ve got me in a bind as your nurse in trying not to be the one to ruin your relationship by accidently spilling the beans. Revealing secrets and ruining marriages, I’d like to not to add that to my résumé thankyouverymuch. 

This makes me think of things I still keep hidden. It’s hard to open up, but holding back when you’re in an intimate relationship (friendship, family, love relationship, discipleship group) can definitely breed more mistrust when truth comes to light. I guess it’s a matter of creating that space in your relationship to be honest or asking what holds you back from honesty. 

Bottom line: don’t make me have to be your secret keeper in labor. I’m not a good liar. 

Travel on, road warrior. 

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